Don’t be blind going into first dates

Published 12:00 am Sunday, February 15, 2015

Thinkstock

Blind dates are something of a relic now, thanks to the Internet. A quick Google search can reveal the basics about the person you’re scheduled to go on a date with: appearance, interests and profession, providing a rather detailed glimpse into his or her life. Dig even deeper and you might find photos of pets, arrest records or what he had for lunch last Tuesday (thank you, Instagram).

But even with this advance knowledge, first dates are intimidating. That’s the appeal.

Most Popular

“Part of the joy of a first date is the unveiling of the mystery of another person,” said Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles. Learning details about someone piques your interest and fuels the conversation.

If you research him or her extensively beforehand, perusing every photo album on that person’s Facebook page or reading every post on his or her blog, some of that mystery disappears.

“It takes away from the spontaneity of getting to know someone,” Durvasula said.

But the reality is, most people will inevitably do a little online research.

“I suspect it’s rare for someone not to Google the person they’re scheduled to go on a date with before the actual encounter,” said Jodi R.R. Smith, an etiquette consultant. If you do, don’t play dumb. Use what you found out to further the conversation. (But within reason. If you do stumble upon sensitive information — he was jilted at the altar, she just lost her job — the first date is not the time to show your hand that you’ve discovered, much less care to discuss, what may be a painful topic.)

“Dating is getting to know the stories of others,” Durvasula said, and having so much information readily available online can prevent that storytelling from happening. Remember that what people post on social media is only a slice of who they are. What can’t be conveyed online are psychological strength and psychological vulnerability, she added, and the presence of those traits often dictates whether we can see ourselves building a life with someone.

So, although the Internet has altered the dating landscape, the secrets of having a successful first date haven’t changed all that much. Experts shared their tips for how to help your odds of scoring a second date:

Do …

• Center the date around conversation. “With the first date, you don’t want to make it so activity-focused that you lose the ability to get to know the person,” Durvasula said. While it might seem charming to go rock wall climbing or attend a concert, a sit-down meal gives the two of you the best opportunity to talk without much interruption. Skip the movies, Durvasula suggested, because you’re basically sitting in the dark in silence with that person for two hours, unable to tell whether he or she is actually enjoying the date.

• Set limits beforehand and stick to them. Make a mental list of your boundaries for the date: how much you’ll drink, where you’re willing to go — and how intimately involved you’ll get, recommended Tina Tessina, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California and chief romance officer at LoveForever.com. Set a standard for your date’s behavior too. “If your new date shows signs of rage, drunkenness, hysteria, disrespect or other dangerous or embarrassing behavior, don’t be polite or tolerant,” she said. “Your date is supposed to be on his or her best behavior, and if you tolerate this, it will only get worse.”

• Convey interest. One of the quickest ways to win someone over is with a compliment, said Fran Greene, author of “The Flirting Bible” (Fair Winds Press). “The best compliments are genuine and have the element of surprise.”

• Have a sense of humor. “A sense of humor is more important than it seems, and it’s what your date will remember when they think about you later,” said Ken Solin, a baby boomer dating expert and author of “The Boomer Guide to Finding True Love Online” (21st Century Lion Books).

• Smile. Also, pay attention to your body language. “Move in toward your date when talking, have warm eye contact and casually touch his (or her) arm or shoulder when talking, when it complements what you are saying,” Greene said.

Don’t …

• Delve into heavy emotional topics. “A first date is not a therapy session,” Smith said. It’s not the appropriate setting to reveal demons from your past or spill your heart about emotional struggles.

“While emotional honesty is the goal in relationships, oversharing on a first date can be frightening and off-putting,” Solin said. Avoid discussing divorce, death, sexual experiences and voicing other deeply personal confessions, he said. Not over your ex? Don’t tell your date that. Part of the reason you’re back out there is to move on, and mentioning an ex on a first date is a surefire way to remain single.

• Be too self-conscious. Don’t obsess the whole time imagining what your date thinks of you, Tessina said. Your concern should be what you think of your date. “If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date’s eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, you’ll miss what’s really happening,” she said. Evaluate the other person, not yourself.

• Dominate the conversation. Remember, there are two people on this date. “Don’t boast and brag about how fabulous you are without coming up for air and asking your date about themselves,” Greene said.

Of course, share stories about yourself, but punctuate the conversation with inclusive questions like, “What do you think?” and “Has it been that way to for you?” to try to elicit responses from the other person, Tessina advised. It might be that your date is too shy to carry on the conversation, but if you notice you’re not letting him or her get a word in, take a breath and listen for a while.

On the other hand, still in the Don’t category …

• Be afraid of a little silence. “Allow the conversation to flow naturally and unforced,” Tessina added. There will be moments when neither of you has anything to say, and that’s normal. Don’t take it as a sign the date is a disaster.

• Act desperate. “If you’re looking for a phrase guaranteed to make a first date your last, say, ‘I know this sounds crazy, but I think I’m falling in love with you,’” Solin said. You’re right; it does sound crazy, and it is. “Suggesting a profound emotional bond right away will be a warning sign to any rational person that it’s time to exit.”

Those awkward moments

And now, to what can be the most awkward part of the night: figuring out who should pay. The jury’s out on this one. Smith said whoever did the asking should pick up the check. Greene said the man should pay. Solin said it makes sense to split the check on the first date. (“That way neither person feels marginalized or obligated,” he added.)

Another potentially awkward decision: Whether to have sex on the first date. Again, there’s no consensus from the experts, but Tessina said the best solution is to set your limits before the date begins.

“Don’t allow yourself to feel pressured,” she said. Solin, however, recommends you “leave your libido at home.” He said it’s “wildly inappropriate” to suggest sex on a first date. “You’ll look rude and crude and will signal that sex isn’t special.”

The likelihood of you scoring a second date, unsurprisingly, likely depends on how well the first one went.

“I think too many people get lost in the idea that there is some sort of ‘postdate strategy’ that will ensure a second date,” Durvasula said. This line of thinking could turn your potential relationship into a game, leading to self-doubt, she warned.

But there are a few ways to behave that could improve — or at least not ruin — your odds of seeing that person again. Don’t call or text incessantly within the hours or days after the date. It’s a good idea to thank them once, but if your date doesn’t respond, don’t force it.

Within three or four days, it’s perfectly acceptable to send an exploratory text (maybe a “Hello, how have you been?” or simple “What’s up?”) to show interest, but if that person doesn’t respond, step back and resign gracefully, Durvasula said. There’s always next time.

Marketplace