Not long ago, SpongeBob SquarePants, the ubiquitous cartoon character who’s partial to tighty-whities, was accused of promoting homosexuality. That controversy fizzled quickly, but don’t be fooled: SpongeBob is a menace. It turns out he doesn’t make kids gay, though. He makes them fat.

How’s that? No, it has nothing at all to do with the overconsumption of pineapple by children impressed with SpongeBob’s prickly house, though that bears looking into. Neither is it related to the show’s glorification of fast food. SpongeBob, who works at the Krusty Krab, treats the dive’s signature Krabby Patty with a peculiar reverence that can’t possibly be healthy for America’s children to witness.

No, Nickelodeon’s star is turning America’s kids spongy by plugging terribly unhealthy products. Thankfully, the folks at the Center for Science in the Public Interest have taken notice. Thus, the group has announced plans to sue both Viacom Inc., Nickelodeon’s parent company, and the Kellogg Co., which uses SpongeBob and other cartoon characters to advertise what the CSPI calls “foods of poor nutritional quality.” Not only does Viacom sell lots of advertising time to Kellogg, but SpongeBob’s likeness appears on Rice Krispies treats, Pop-Tarts, Cheez-Its and E.L. Fudge cookies.

This is, indeed, a terrible thing. What parent has the power to say “no” when prodded by a whiny child who must, absolutely must, have that package of Eggo waffles with the picture of SpongeBob on it? None, of course, which is why it’s necessary in such cases to hire lawyers and sue media companies and food manufacturers.

It’s also why the CSPI must expand its important work. There are plenty more cartoons where SpongeBob came from. The Shaggy character in Scooby Doo encourages kids to believe that it’s possible to scarf down huge quantities of pizza and countless burgers without ever gaining a pound. It’s a lie! The show also implies that it’s OK to feed people food to dogs, which suggests a public awareness role for PETA as well.

How about violence? No matter where you look – Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, wherever – cartoon characters are being poked, punched, bopped, shot, squashed and thrown from high places. It’s no wonder small children like to hit each other. Especially the boys.

While they’re busy doing the people’s work, meanwhile, the CSPI’s lawyers must stay on their toes. The cartoon-industrial complex, which will stop at nothing to make a buck, is as crafty as it is greedy. Flintstones chewable vitamins are the perfect example of what we’re talking about. Sure, the vitamins they contain are beneficial, but what the heck do they use to make them sweet? Whatever it is, it can’t possibly be good for you.