When some young people hear the term etiquette, they may think of rigid rules strictly enforced by snooty old ladies sipping tea with their pinky fingers extended.

But that image has it all wrong, according to today’s etiquette purveyors.

Manners are not supposed to be about judgment or superiority at all, according to Bend etiquette instructor Pam Kahle.

“It’s the opposite of that. It’s about making the people around you feel comfortable,” said Kahle.

Really, etiquette is all about respect: getting it for yourself and giving it to others. Etiquette is about making people feel comfortable and at ease, quite the opposite from those judging tea-sipping ladies people might picture.

Kahle teaches classes to local kids who want (or whose parents want them) to brush up on table manners, first impressions and other good manners.

She sees a big need for these kinds of lessons in the current culture.

“There probably has been a decrease in civility in general,” said Kahle. She thinks people are just too busy.

Most of the students she works with “don’t want to be rude or disrespectful, they just don’t know.”

Some adolescent boys spend the first half-hour of class rolling their eyes, and then they start to ask questions and become interested.

Kahle’s basic rule usually sways them: “It’s better to know it and not need it than to need it and not know it.”

When Mountain View High School sophomore Kevin Kyger’s mother signed him up for Kahle’s class about two years ago, he thought it sounded kind of boring. He ended up finding the lessons valuable, particularly those about making a good first impression. That was especially important to him as he was moving from a private middle school to a large public high school where he didn’t know many people.

“I was really shy before,” said Kevin.

He also credits those skills with helping him land a job at Sunriver Resort last summer.

“It’s helped me be more outgoing.”

Kevin also felt comfortable with his table manners while eating at a nice restaurant before a recent dance.

“Manners, when you very first hear, it sounds kind of boring and dull,” said Kevin. “But I make a good impression now.”

Manners and etiquette are part of author Cindy Post Senning’s family heritage, as Emily Post was her great-grandmother. Senning has carried on the family focus on manners and published several books tackling the topic, particularly focusing on parents, children and teenagers. Her latest book, “Teen Manners: From Malls to Meals to Messaging and Beyond,” was published last fall and is aimed squarely at the teen audience.

“This is not about a bunch of silly rules,” said Senning. “I’m trying to show teens how manners are relevant in their lives.”

Behind all etiquette guidelines are respect, consideration and honesty.

“When you acknowledge someone’s tradition, you’re showing them respect,” said Senning.

She doesn’t buy into the idea that teenagers today are more lacking in manners than previous generations. Every generation seems to say that young people are disrespectful and that “the world is going to you know where in a handbasket.”

A big reason for that is that manners change over time. For instance, in Emily Post’s first book on etiquette, published in 1922, there is an entire chapter devoted to chaperones and how young people should interact with them while on a date. Today it can be appropriate for teens to call adults by their first names or to wear hats inside, depending on the circumstance. Etiquette also changes based on the region and the home.

The following etiquette tips are those that experts think are the most important for teens to master. Of course, the lessons could be helpful to all ages.

1. Technology.

When and where to use cell phones, hand-held video games, iPods and other technology is one of the biggest etiquette issues facing teens. It’s one of the bigger pitfalls for young people.

In most cases, Kahle says students should not answer their phones while chatting or going out to dinner with someone else. If the call is important or from a parent, teens should excuse themselves to take the call privately. Kahle says many teenagers in her class were surprised by that concept.

Senning outlines these guidelines: Don’t use the cell phone in a library, church, theater or from a table at a restaurant; don’t send text messages during class or a work meeting; avoid talking about private matters in a public place; and try not to use vulgar language when others can overhear you.

Bottom line: If you’re communicating face to face with someone, don’t communicate with anyone else at the same time.

2. Thank you.

Saying “thank you” isn’t that hard. Neither is handwriting a thank-you note. But this courtesy is too often skipped.

“We’ve forgotten about those kinds of niceties,” said Kahle.

She asks her students to write a practice note in class. The notes have to be only a couple of lines long and should come from the heart. And no, an e-mail is not the same as a handwritten note.

Senning says teenagers “know to say thank you, but they don’t.”

Skipping a “thank you” one time is not terrible, But it can become a big problem over time.

“It whittles away at that relationship,” said Senning. The most common question people ask the Emily Post Institute is about not receiving acknowledgement for the gifts they give. When Senning shares this common dilemma with teenagers, many students say the giver should stop sending gifts.

When appreciation is removed, “we stop doing things for each other.”

Bottom line: Nothing beats a handwritten thank-you note, especially after a job interview or receiving a gift.

3. First impression.

The best tip Kevin learned in Kahle’s class was how to make a good first impression. Before the class, the shy teen would mutter “Hi” and not necessarily make eye contact. The lessons about handshakes, eye contact and making a good introduction really stuck.

Kahle has students practice handshakes in her class. The two approaches to avoid are: limp fish and the water pump. Instead, form a good grip and shake about three times. Eye contact is key.

Also, students should feel comfortable introducing themselves to people and don’t need to wait for an introduction.

Another tip: Teens should call adults by their title and last name until the adult says it’s OK to call them by their first name.

Bottom line: Don’t be afraid to make the first move by extending your hand for a handshake, making an introduction and looking the person in the eye.

4. Clothing choices.

Many people will recall the Northwestern University women’s lacrosse team that wore flip-flops during a visit to the White House a few years back.

Wearing super casual summer footwear to meet the president, to a formal wedding or to a job interview is a typically bad form.

Some students have a hard time adjusting their style to fit a particular setting because they believe the fashion is their identity, says Senning. They don’t want to change who they are and think “if they don’t like me for who I am, then they don’t like me.” This is a trap. Students need to understand that changing their clothes does not have to mean compromising who they are.

Instead, wearing appropriate attire shows respect to the other party, whether it’s a bride, a potential employer or the president. This means no bra straps showing, no flip-flops and no cargo shorts.

Bottom line: Try to find a way to let your personal style match the circumstances to find an appropriate balance.

5. Language.

Proper language is all about the audience. For instance, teenagers talking to one another may feel fine saying “suck” but older generations may find the term offensive.

“Why do you want to offend? Why take that risk?” asked Senning.

Angela Hubacek asks students to perform 10 push-ups if they use vulgar language in her science class at Bend High School. She started the practice to combat what she felt was a surprising number of swear words or derogatory terms coming from students. Hubacek explains to students why the words are inappropriate.

“It doesn’t make you look any smarter. Using vulgarity makes you look crass and coarse.”

Bottom line: Using foul language will lower your stature in many adults’ eyes.

6. Privacy.

Some teenagers are used to sharing all kinds of personal information through Facebook, MySpace or personal blogs. They post about their feelings, health, grades and relationships. Bea Fields, author of “Millennial Leaders,” says divulging too much information can make older generations uncomfortable.

“Many older adults come from the age where talking about your problems openly in public is considered taboo. It is best to save private information for a confidential talk with a parent or trusted friend.”

Bottom line: Think carefully about the situation before sharing personal details, particularly with people you don’t know well.