The words come so naturally.

A son brings home a great test score and his dad says, “You are so smart!”

A toddler shows a tower of blocks she made and her mom says, “Good job! You are so good at stacking!”

A daughter brings home a painting she made at school and her dad says, “That is beautiful. What a talented artist you are!”

Praise comes effortlessly for so many parents. We see it as a way of offering support and love for our kids.

But praise may not actually lift kids up the way we think it does. There is a downside to praise, particularly the ever-present, over-the-top praise some parents offer kids.

“(Parents) praise them too much and praise them for the wrong things,” said Michael Conner, clinical and family psychologist in Bend.

Some constantly praised students may become so attached to acknowledgement, they feel lost without it. Children who are told they are smart may be less likely to try new things (for fear of proving they aren’t smart) and are more interested in results than learning.

Problems with praise

The problems with praise started with the self-esteem movement of the 1970s, according to California psychologist Jim Taylor, author of “Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child.” Parents believed the best way to build self-esteem was to tell kids how wonderful they are, said Taylor. Further, parents would “often praise kids for things not worthy of praise” or attributes which are not within the child’s control, such as natural smarts and looks.

Conner says some parents weren’t appreciated or recognized by their own parents, so now they “go overboard” praising their kids.

The way most parents use praise is detrimental, according to Louise Porter, a child psychologist in Australia who has written about and studied the subject of parental praise. She believes many parents use praise as a way of manipulating children’s behavior and getting them to do what parents want. Parents may feel they need to bribe their kids into behaving well. But Porter believes children can learn skills because of natural reinforcement. For instance, a child shares a toy and her friend smiles. That’s the reward, not the parent’s praise.

Conner sees parents who praise their children for things the kids would do naturally, saying things like, “You’re playing nice with your friend.” Parents are hoping to reinforce this behavior, but reinforcement “really only works on pets,” said Conner. People have character and values, so focusing on those things rather than behavior is a much better approach. “When you reinforce a behavior, it’s a judgment; performance equals worth.” This means when children perform well, they may feel worthy, but when they don’t perform well, they may feel unworthy.

Children want praise and bend their behavior to get it, says Porter. This can create praise-seeking behavior, and children become motivated by getting the reward rather than becoming competent. Porter says children who seek praise can also develop perfectionism. They are used to being told they are smart and doing great. When they don’t hear those things, or when they aren’t the best, “the wheels can come off.” Eventually these kids may turn into adults who are “compulsive compliers” and people pleasers, says Porter.

In Conner’s practice, he has seen the results of this kind of drive; kids who are suicidal for getting second place, or who are depressed and punching holes in walls for not doing well on a test. Or some kids who are praised too much feel controlled and expected to be good all the time. They start to resent it and become oppositional and “rebel against the pressure of expectations.”

Effort versus ability

In 1998, researchers Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck, of Columbia University, published the results of a study that looked at the difference between praising a child for ability versus effort. The children, ages 9-11, took a test and then all were told they did well. One group was then told, “You must be smart at these problems.” Another group was told, “You must have worked hard at these problems.”

From there, researchers found that the children praised for their intelligence were significantly less likely to want to try a new challenge than those praised for efforts. The researchers wrote: “Effort praise led children to want to learn new things, while intelligence praise led children to wish to continue looking smart.”

The results didn’t end there. The children all took another, much harder test and were told they didn’t do as well. Those praised for smarts were less likely to want to try to persist and tackle the problems again. They also attributed their low performance on the test to a low ability, whereas the kids praised for effort did not. Furthermore, kids praised for effort were more likely to enjoy the tasks than those praised for smarts.

The researchers tested variations of this study six times and the results were similar each time. Praising effort versus ability made a huge difference. The researchers wrote, “The results of this study demonstrated that praising children for intelligence after good performance can backfire by making children highly performance-oriented and extremely vulnerable to the effects of subsequent setbacks.”

Telling kids they are smart can set them up to think they have to be smart at everything, says Porter. And, in a way, saying “you’re smart” doesn’t give the child much credit. It’s natural and lucky.

Of course, some children are naturally gifted. But Taylor points out, this will only get them so far. Once the student gets to Harvard or Julliard, they won’t stand out any longer.

“You can be successful without trying until you get to a place where everybody is gifted,” she says. “Being gifted won’t enable them to become successful.”

Success comes through hard work, time management, focus, decision making and persistence, says Taylor.

Good job

Saying “good job” may be the most pervasive form of praise. Attend any youth soccer game and you’ll hear it shouted dozens, if not hundreds of times. Even this seeming benign form of praise isn’t useful. Porter calls it vague and meaningless. She also doesn’t like it because saying “good job” means the parent is making a judgment and assessing whether the child has done a good job. Something like “congratulations” puts all of the emphasis back on the child.

“Good job” is the laziest form of praise, according to Taylor. It doesn’t mention what the child did well and it focuses on the outcome rather than the process. Instead, Taylor likes parents to focus on what enabled the child to achieve the outcome.

“Good job” has become parents’ knee-jerk reaction, but with focus and awareness, parents can get away from it, says Taylor.

Character

Conner says parents should praise values and virtues rather than behaviors. For instance, praising the kindness of a child who shares a toy; praising the bravery for trying something new; praising the creativity of an art project. Such statements — which Conner calls “strength spotting” — don’t need to be made often. In fact, they are more meaningful when not doled out constantly. Conner says these acknowledgements work best well after the behavior takes place — say, at the dinner table later that night. “It means more because you bothered to remember it,” said Conner. Saying “good job” immediately after doesn’t hold nearly the same weight.

Alternatives

Changing habits can be tough. Porter thinks it is much harder on parents than kids. With effort, she believes parents can change their praising techniques; it’s just like learning a new skill. “You do have to be measured, calculated and planned.”

She calls her approach acknowledgement rather than praise. This means verifying what the child already feels. When kids do something well, they know it. Parents are there to reinforce and celebrate. Expressing joy and excitement when a child does well is great, says Porter. They can clap and celebrate and cheer, but don’t need to say “good job” or “well done.”

Taylor says parents can sometimes just say, with enthusiasm, what the child did: “You climbed up the ladder all by yourself!” Taylor thinks kids may not even notice if parents change their praising habits.

Porter likes “Congratulations,” “Oh wow, you did it!” and “I admire that you’ve done that” to replace “good job.”

Focusing on the process is another key. When a child shows off an art project, Porter suggests parents say something about how the child tried something new or made a good effort instead of saying, “It’s a brilliant painting.” She also encourages parents to use an “I statement,” such as “I admire,” “I respect,” or “I appreciate” and then fill in the activity the child did. Porter also points out that parents can be very affectionate and loving without praise. In fact, “praise is always conditional.” It says, “you’ve done something, now I approve of you.” Whereas a hug and “I love you” is unconditional. Kids shouldn’t have to feel they need to earn love.

“You can still tell children that they are terrific, although not for doing something that pleases you, but simply because they are wonderful,” writes Porter in “Not in Praise of Praise.”

Breaking away from the praise may be tough, but parents may end up patting themselves on the back for doing so.

Praise to avoid and alternatives

Student brings home a good report card:

Avoid: You are so smart. That’s why you do well in school.

Alternatives: I think you do so well in school because you love learning.

Or, Congratulations! All your hard work and studying has really paid off.

Child performs well during a baseball game:

Avoid: You are the best athlete.

Alternatives: I am impressed with all the training and effort you’ve put in to the team.

Or, You really look like you’re having a blast out there.

child shares a toy with a friend:

Avoid: Good job for sharing!

Alternatives: Saying nothing and let the child’s reward come from the friend smiling.

Or, Later on saying I am impressed you shared your toy, I know that can be hard.

student tries some new challenge:

Avoid: Good job!

Alternatives: I think you showed courage for taking on something new.

Suggestions based on information from Michael Conner, Jim Taylor and Louise Porter

Tips from Louise Porter’s paper ‘Not in Praise of Praise’

— Ask children how they feel about what they have achieved:

• Are you pleased?

• What do you think of that?

• Are you happy with that?

— When children are saying or giving nonverbal messages that they are pleased, reflect that:

• You look delighted!

• You seem very proud of yourself.

• You look very pleased.

— When appropriate, add your opinion (but not a judgment):

• Well, I agree with you!

• I agree that you can be very pleased with yourself.

• I think it’s special too.

— Give information or feedback in the form of I-verb:

• I admire…

• I respect…

• I value…

• I’m impressed that…

• I appreciate…

— Intend to congratulate, not manipulate:

• Congratulations!

• Hey! You did it!

• Wow! Look at that!

Express appreciation:

• Thank you!

• I’m grateful that…

• I appreciate that because…

— Focus on the process, not the product:

• I admire that you tried something new.

• I’m impressed that you had another go.

• Looks like you really worked at that.

— Verify children’s own assessment that they have achieved something worthwhile, highlight their successes so that they notice these, and expand on what they have achieved:

• I agree that it’s quite an achievement!

• Did you know you could do that?

• And not only have you finished it, but you worked on it for ages.

–Use natural manners, without patronizing children. For example, in response to a child’s thanks:

• You’re welcome!

• It’s a pleasure.

• I hope you enjoy it.