When Michelle Barry Franco first thought about becoming a mom, she pictured taking on a traditional role. She would stay home with her children and be the primary caregiver.

Instead, the Bend mom ended up on a different path. She found being a stay-at-home mom wasn’t right for her. Instead, she and husband Jim Franco have purposefully carved out a shared parenting system. They share caregiving for the children and responsibility for household tasks. They each provide for the family financially, although neither works a traditional full-time job.

The Francos are participants in a movement called Equally Shared Parenting, and they were profiled in a book of the same name, which came out in 2010.

They recognize it is not a choice that would work for every family, but it works for them. While they came to some of the choices naturally, they like having an underlying philosophy to follow. “I think we find it valuable to have a baseline to keep in mind,” said Jim.

Amy and Marc Vachon are the two behind the movement. They live in Massachusetts, raising their two children and doing their best to follow the tenets of the philosophy. Marc Vachon says the goal is for both partners to have equal investment in three main areas: home, career and child rearing. Both should also have equal time for fun and recreation. Many families following these tenets also try to work less than full time and make money less of a priority. “Don’t use money as an ultimate decision-maker,” Amy Vachon said.

Their goal in writing the book was to use real-life examples to show parents this can be done.

Inequality

Sharing work, child care and household duties may seem pretty typical for many American families today. Jim Franco points out that the stereotype of dad coming home and pouring himself a scotch and watching the news is pretty dated. Most dads he knows are pretty involved. Traditional families, in which mom stays home and dad works, are no longer a majority.

But despite these shifts, the roles of moms and dads aren’t exactly equal in most households, even in families in which both parents work full time.

According to the National Survey of Families and Households, wives who work full time perform 28 hours of housework while husbands working full time perform 16 hours of housework. The time spent caring for children is also skewed, with working wives spending 11 hours a week caring for kids and working husbands spending three hours a week.

Men, however, tend to work more hours outside of the home than women. Men who work full time averaged 8.3 hours a day, whereas women who worked full time averaged 7.5 hours a day, according to the American Time Use Survey from 2009.

Some of the gender divisions are more subtle. Mom ends up being a gatekeeper of information, for instance, keeping track of birthdays, doctor appointments and to-do lists. Or when a child is sick, mom is more likely to stay home from work, says Marc Vachon. Soon mom is doing more cooking and dad is working longer hours.

Naming it

Amy Vachon says she and her husband have received some reaction from people who say, “Everybody does this; why does it need a name?” She says this is clearly not the case. “We’d like it to be common. We’d like it to be easy.” She thinks giving it a name also helps bring the concept into the open.

“It’s so easy, if you don’t think about this stuff, to fall into typical gender roles,” she said.

Amy and Marc think this is great, so long as it is what parents choose. They believe families should figure out the arrangement that is right for them. Equally Shared Parenting isn’t for everyone.

But for Amy, sharing with Marc makes her feel more balanced and happy.

She says the biggest challenge for women is letting go. “You are not your husband’s manager.” For men, it is letting go of the idea they have to be the providers.

The Francos

The transition to shared parenting roles took place gradually and naturally for Michelle Barry Franco, 39, and Jim Franco, 43. Now their lifestyle is very deliberate.

The pair moved to Bend eight years ago. Jim bought a parking lot cleaning company, and Michelle was soon busy raising their first of three daughters, Serena, now 6.

At first, Jim had to work all sorts of hours as he ran the company mostly on his own. But he knew he wanted to spend time with family. “I was always interested in a high level of participation in our parenting,” said Jim.

“He just didn’t want to miss anything that was family related,” said Michelle. Soon after Annika, now 5, was born, Michelle decided to go back to school.

“I was just kind of antsy. I wanted to contribute financially and didn’t want him to feel the burden of that.” Michelle began asking Jim for more and more coverage for child care, and Jim relished those times. By the beginning of 2008, after the addition of Simone, now 3, they were much more deliberate about sharing their duties. Soon after, they found the Equally Shared Parenting movement and thought it fit their goals.

Jim continues to operate his business, although with help he has whittled his time down to about 30 hours a week. Michelle is launching a professional development and consulting business and also serves as an instructor at Central Oregon Community College.

Serena is in elementary school, while her younger sisters attend preschool or are watched by another care provider for a total of about 27 hours a week. This allows Michelle and Jim time to work. They also work plenty of odd hours. For instance, Jim isn’t averse to working 8 p.m. to midnight to maximize time with his daughters. “I don’t miss anything except some mediocre television.”

“We know we could make more money. We’re choosing more time,” said Michelle.

The pair also split household duties. Jim does a lot of the laundry; Michelle does more cooking and shopping. Jim goes to more kid birthday parties, but Michelle buys more of the presents. As for deep cleaning, the pair is more likely to hire someone or skip some of it.

“What matters is that you agree,” said Michelle.

Jim thinks his daughters also gain something positive from their relationship beyond more time with mom and dad. “We want them to learn that a marriage is a partnership.”

Details

People often ask the Vachons about charts, lists and keeping track of the division of labor. They don’t use such tools and know of very few families that do. “It’s the last thing on our minds,” said Marc.

The goal isn’t for parents to spend exactly four hours a week each doing chores. The goal is broader and looser. Amy says they don’t want one parent to direct another parent, or to have one of their careers be more important than another. And they both need to be actively involved with the children. This isn’t just about number of hours spent doing something; it also means sharing the roles. For instance, Marc says one parent shouldn’t be the default disciplinarian and one the default nurturer.

So what happens when one spouse likes things cleaner than another? Maybe the wife believes in dusting every week while the husband thinks dusting once every six months is fine. Marc says the couple must sit down and decide on a set of family standards that they both agree on, and then both “need to have the integrity to live up to it.”

Figuring out how to do this takes “continuous communication,” said Amy.

Ultimately, their goal is a better family life that is more fun and joyful. “It’s fun to be with someone who’s enjoying their life,” said Marc.