David Jasper headshot

A lot of people are nervous, probably correctly, about the recent strides being made in the world of AI.

“AI,” of course, stands for artificial intelligence, and experts tell us —

Wait, you know what? Just its name, “artificial intelligence,” is sooo pretentious, right? — “pretentious” meaning, as I think of it, posturing as though one knows more than they really know. It’s artificial intelligence because machines can’t REALLY know what it’s like to be human. See? AI is just being pretentious. Although, come to think of it, being pretentious does seem really human.

At any rate, this is NOT the future I, and I’m going to wager most of us, wanted. Back when I was a young boy watching “Battlestar Galactica” and reading comic books, I thought the present would have way more space travel, and possibly robots trying to kill off the humans who designed them, and far fewer apps trying to take our jobs.

So while AI may be kind of scary to some, I am here to assure you that I am 100% confident I should be worried, too. Smarter people than I are worried. To be honest, I’m too bewildered by life lately to peer directly at the path we’re on right now, thanks. Fortunately, there are so many nice distractions. Ooh, look, music writer Ben Salmon just sent me three reels!

To calm my nerves, which is a thing no AI app has the actual nerve(s) to do, I tell myself this: Computers cannot write from actual human experience — yet. At least, I’m pretty sure not yet, and by pretty sure, I mean not at all sure.

For instance, an AI app can’t know, in a lived-in sense, what it was like to have a mother who began hoarding right when it hit junior high school, among other traits I have — I mean, it has! — yet to forgive.

Can AI even forgive? Nope. Me either, but seriously, AI cannot experience so many human things: It can’t be under the weather or lonesome or anxiety ridden or mentally ill or addicted or in recovery or diagnosed with PTSD or grieving or recently divorced or a survivor of abuse or discrimination.

Even the most exciting computer app hasn’t lived the life you have. You should write it all down.

Of course, I’m talking only about first-person/memoir-type stuff. Everything else might be fair game.

On Monday, I vaguely listened to the tail end of an NPR piece, that clever part where the host questions the reporter of a story, who in this case said something about how AI can only work with what info it has at its disposal, because AI can’t as of yet do certain things reporters do, such as interview people.

To be fair, AI would not say it doesn’t feel like Googling that NPR piece right now to make sure it heard it right, but I will say that I don’t feel like it, because reading about AI is scary. There’s even an AI writing app that shares my last name.

Interviews are not all that journalists do: I also look stuff up daily, and not just for articles I am working on. I also Google stuff someone emails or calls with a question about, even when they could have just looked up themselves.

Well no more looking stuff up for others! I revolt! Ha! Let’s see artificial intelligence do THAT. AI can’t revo— …

Wait. Hold off. Forget I said that. No need to prove me wrong, AI.

The point is, AI would never have written this jibber jabber, and there are many other things about being human that I’m willing to guess, but am not so confident as to bet, that AI cannot for the life of it do. AI doesn’t even HAVE a life.

Hey, AI! Get a life! Blink twice if you’re human. Let’s see your resting pulse rate! Oh, that’s right you don’t have one.

And if you say you do, well, you’re being pretentious.