With Memorial Day just a week ahead and the Central Oregon weather simply amazing, more drivers unfamiliar with our roads are driving while afflicted by a condition epidemiologists have identified as Oops, I Missed My Turn.

Oops, I Missed My Turn, is a condition that primarily afflicts tourists, but not exclusively. It can result in three-point turns on busy roads, right turns from the left lane, driving in a bike lane, which you’re never supposed to do, even if you’re making a right-hand turn, and other irksome at best, dangerous at worst, behaviors. Oops, I Missed My Turn is closely related to Move, I’m Late for An Appointment, which causes speeding and other dangerous habits, and I Am the Only Driver Who Matters, the wintertime iteration of which is known as I Drive My Rig Faster When It’s Icy.

Tourism is no excuse

It shouldn’t need to be said, but nothing I say in this space needs to be said, so I’ll say this: Being a tourist is not an excuse for crappy driving. The rules of the road don’t vary that much state to state, and you know it! The other day, in the heavy traffic that now makes the south end of Third resemble Reed Market and Empire and other parts of town, I watched a guy with California plates inch into traffic from Old Murphy Road, which I happen to know is a right-turn only, and slowly cross Third westbound, forcing other cars to stop so he could drive straight into the Shari’s and Safeway parking lot.

And though some yielded, I stubbornly kept going, thinking, as I have my own condition that gets triggered when I encounter subpar driving, Go Ahead, Wreck Your Car Hitting My 2001 Minivan.

Being local is no excuse, either

Lest you think I’m being unfair to Californians or tourists more generally, let me add that being local is not an excuse for crappy driving. Nor is being young, old, or behind the wheel of a giant pickup with giraffe-like side mirrors. (I get being able to see the trailer or boat they haul, but some of these guys seem to want to see the actual hindquarters of their rigs.)

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On a bike ride into the office last week, I rode north on Blakely, which parallels Brookswood and eventually turns into Silverlake. One of those non-main arteries that makes bike riding more enjoyable. But you’ll still encounter cars and ostensible drivers, like I did at the one stop sign along that stretch between Powers and Reed Market, a three-way intersection. Lo and behold, the young driver in the Subaru approaching me sort of swerved to his right, which I soon understood was so he could better see whether anyone was approaching from his left, the direction he immediately turned without perceptibly braking and definitely without signaling. The irony isn’t lost on me that I was simultaneously disapproving and running the stop sign myself, but there were no other cars. I slowed down quite a bit. Look, it was important for me to be able to yell “Nice signal” followed by a fundamental oath — or should I say fundament? — in his wake.

Ignorance, selfishness no excuse

Do the people who don’t bother stopping at stop signs or using signals understand words and the fact that they live in a society just enough to think that if they bothered to indicate to others their intentions, they would somehow be socialists. And not at the last second — in Oregon, you’re supposed to signal 100 feet, not, as too many drivers seem to think, 100 inches, before you turn.

And then there’s the people signaling left through a roundabout. Listen: Don’t do that. You. Don’t. Need. To. If you have a loved one or acquaintance who signals left in a roundabout, it is your civic duty to gently ridicule them after the vehicle is safely stopped and the engine is off.

But everyone, including those letting their turn signals molder, needs to signal their intention of exiting. That would be the right blinker, and using it is the right thing to do.

Oh, did someone just let you pull out in front of them? Give them a wave for god’s sake. This is not in the driver’s manual, but it should be. You deserve a dead battery or nail in a tire if you can’t muster a wave for the poor soul who, despite having destinations and needs of their own, is now a few seconds later because they for some reason have consideration. Don’t give someone a wave, and they too may contract I Am the Only Driver Who Matters.

Pot smoking is definitely no excuse

I shouldn’t have to mention this one, but cannabis is legal in Oregon, and you can sometimes smell it wafting from a car ahead of you in traffic. It’s an intoxicating scent, literally.

I was recently driving on the street that leads out of my neighborhood — which on warm afternoons, you’d think was any neighborhood circa the ‘70s or ‘80s given the many kids playing outside. I have more than once thought “Don’t they have computers and phones anymore?” as I carefully steer my vehicle out of the hood and around the recreational fracas. On the day in question, I almost got hit head-on by another driver who took a left too tightly and was driving on the wrong side of the street. I was braking, braking and finally as he was maybe 20 feet from my bumper, he tilted his head back down and swerved to his right. I’m not sure why the pipe he was smoking required him to look at his vehicle’s ceiling, but as he passed I could clearly see he was holding one up to his mouth.

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I had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time I almost ran into this guy. A few days later, the same driver was gawking at something to his left and, once again, drifted into the opposite lane as we approached. I don’t think he even saw me that time, maybe because he was driving west around 7:15, when the sun is particularly brutal, but I now know his vehicle too well, and you can be sure I’m clipping this and leaving it on the windshield of the light blue car he parks up the street.

Yo! Watch the road, man! My minivan might be able to take the hit, but there are kids all over our neighborhood. I don’t care who you live with, or how good of a driver you fancy yourself, wait till you get home to toke.

Seen some bad driving yourself? Tell me about it at the email below. I’m especially interested in the evils you see all the time: The people who veer left into your lane so they can take a right turn faster, or who drive in the middle of a street lined with parked cars because they fear getting a car door flinging open more than they do head-on collisions.