On one of our recent warm-for-Central-Oregon nights, I lay awake fretting about the high cost of living. Life is so expensive right now that I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Sandman raised the price of sleep. I could hear one or more lowered cars zipping around with their modified exhaust systems, which eventually lulled me into a deep state of irritation.

What must it be like to have the disposable income to go out of your way to make your vehicle annoy others, I thought. And it’s not the only way people have of doing that.

Earlier that evening, I’d tried to unwind by doing some stretching in the shed that also serves as my home office. (It is NOT a she-shed. It’s a he-hovel.) Breathing is a big part of unwinding via yoga postures, but I soon realized our neighbor’s dryer was spitting out the most fakely sweet, headache-inducing smell about 15 to 20 feet away from my open windows. Call me sensitive, but a mere whiff makes me want to hold my breath, which runs counter to the whole idea of breathing and relaxing. At least our smoky summer air smells like something of this earth. Anyone who would claim they aren’t bothered by such artificial perfume odors, I don’t believe you. Just put your face up to a laundry vent spewing such a scent, take some deep inhales and report back to me.

It was a long night. I started my day with an urge to shake people and implore them to stop spending their hard-earned money on things they not only don’t need, but which are also annoying to others. I’m hardly talking monkish austerity here. I know Americans like to save money where they can, but also hate being told what to do, so think of this as gentle financial advice from your irascible Dutch Uncle:

Muffle your muffler

Noise pollution lowers everyone’s sense of well-being but can also adversely impact health. But I get it. A certain percentage of teens and 20-somethings just have the need for attention — even negative — that only modifying their vehicle’s exhaust system can satisfy, and it always pairs well with aggressive driving. Maybe they saw too many Fast and Furious movies or were deprived of Hot Wheels as a kid, but either way, loud cars and trucks probably don’t come for free, and they are annoying. This is a topic that has come up a time or two on the Bend subreddit, which I highly recommend. Conclusion: Waste of money, annoying.

Fragrant of flagrant?

When the fragrant becomes flagrant, it’s time to call foul. Perfumed fabric softeners and dryer sheets have got to go. Why spend your money on such stuff? Plain old laundry detergent gets clothes smelling fine enough, there are all kinds of ways to avoid static cling and get your laundry smelling fresh, or just do what I do, and not worry about it. The artificial scents are irritating to neighbors who do spend time in their yards or have open windows, possibly giving them headaches. Do dryer sheets really accomplish anything? I’ve never once used them, and my clothes smell fine as long as you stay away from my armpits on a heavy deadline day. Conclusion: Waste of money, annoying.

Headlights are for seeing, not blinding

The topic of overtly blinding headlights and, increasingly, taillights, too, is the stuff of some great rants on a subreddit called f—yourheadlights. If you’ve found yourself blinded by oncoming traffic, here are your people, begging for legislation against headlights that could illuminate a stadium. One user, SegaTime, recently wrote of a Tacoma with LEDs installed in its hood’s fake air intake just to be extra terrible to other drives. “People just love wasting their money on superfluous and superficial crap.” I stand with SegaTime, and urge people to stop annoying others while also not wasting their money. My 2001 Sienna still has its original halogen headlights, and even the high beams aren’t that bright, the way nature intended. Save a dime and stop blinding others.

Subtract your retractable leash

I asked around for other not-free nuisances people think others should skip, and retractable leashes was suggested to me by a Portland resident, where they find themselves tripping over dog owners’ leashes on public sidewalks. At a glance, such leashes, which feature an extendable length of leash that coils neatly back up when you press a button, seems like genius save for the fact that it’s helpful to no one but the person who doesn’t want to walk as far as their dog. You could really save money and just use a heavy rope with a slipknot like my dad did with our last family dog. But if not, here’s a reminder that standard leashes work just fine. Whoever invented the retractable kind probably goes out for beers with the inventor of the next item.

You’re blowing it

Without fail, my hankering for a weekend nap comes on just as one neighbor or another starts on yardwork. That’s partly what weekends are for, so I’m not surprised. But just when I think the mowing and the weed-eating is about through, out comes the gas-powered blower. This is an apparatus that uses loud noise and noxious fumes to get rid of plant matter by dispersing it several yards away. If blowers were so great, brooms and rakes would be out of business, but they aren’t. Conclusion: Quit wasting money and ruining the quiet. Just use a broom or rake, or again, do as I do and just let the wind and elements take care of it.

I’ve said enough, although there are probably dozens of contrivances whose eradication would be a win for an annoyed population, such as the selfie stick. Quit going above and beyond and just get your vainglory beyond arm’s length! Nobody needs to see more of you, especially if you’re an influencer.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the he-hovel attempting to nap away the crankiness.