Column: Who’s wearing short-shorts?

Published 12:30 pm Wednesday, July 30, 2025

The other day, I saw a Reel of a comedian talking about the war between short and tall men. Only the short men are aware it’s happening, though, as the tall men are just going about their business blissfully unaware of what’s transpiring below them.

It was funnier the way he told it, but the joke popped into my head when I started thinking about the polarizing issue — at least where my familial and social circles overlap — of men’s shorts.

In short (ha), I think some, if not a lot, of Gen X males are irked by the fact that, after 30-plus years of long and baggy being the standard cut of men’s shorts, they’re now starting to look a lot like the shorts we wore in the ‘70s and early ‘80s.

And I’m also guessing that like the tall versus short guys in the joke above, short-shorts guys don’t know they’re upsetting the middle-aged dudes who used to wear similar shorts.

Judging by how long the subject was discussed at a recent skate session with friends, at least some people are starting to have opinions on shorts length, there being so few other things to worry about in the world. When I walked up to the bowl last weekend, my friend Suddy greeted me with, “Is that a bathing suit too?”

It was a callback to a video from the previous weekend where I’d wiped out skateboarding in a driveway at a pool party, as one does. After he’d seen the video, he texted me, “Talk about small shorts.”

“Bathing suit,” I replied.

“That doesn’t make it alright,” he texted back.

“Uh huh. Does too,” I said. 

At the bowl, I was wearing one of two pairs of shorts I own that fit my current waistline. The offending hem is approximately 1 inch shy of my knee. I resisted the urge to say they’re the same length as his, him being several inches shorter than I. 

He, like a lot of over-45 guys in Bend, prefers a length of short that would almost be considered capris were they not so baggy, too. It’s like they’re afraid they’re going to get arrested if they show a little knee.

The summer garb being sported by younger men than Suddy and our peers at the moment really put the “short” in shorts. My problem is not so much with shorts getting shorter as the tension between having friends who believe that borderline capris are the only acceptable length for shorts, and a far more accepting wife who thinks shorter shorts on guys are rad. 

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In recent years, she’s certainly noticed, and commented on, how men’s hemlines are inching up the leg, working in a mention now and then about how skateboarders do have nice legs. 

I’d be happy to be objectified by my wife, but Suddy stands in the way.

I’m not immune from short-shorts remarks myself. During a trip earlier this month to Portland, I saw more than a few hipsterish dudes walking around in tight, short cut-off jean shorts, aka “jorts.” I was driving around with my 25-year-old daughter, and when I commented that it’s funny to see little jean cutoffs making a comeback, she replied, “They’re awesome.” 

She’s her mother’s daughter, that’s for sure. And if this trend continues, we will soon be in full-scale 1970s pro basketball shorts or an early ‘80s “Magnum, P.I.” episode. But by the mid-to-late ‘80s, though, shorts for men inched down toward the knees, eventually reaching them, and there they stayed all through the ‘90s, ‘00s and ‘10s.

I think older guys who are watching shorts go back to lengths we all wore in the above eras — our childhood and teen years — are partially jealous. Or at least I am. Guys who don’t even skate are showing off their quads and hamstrings in a way that was unspokenly verboten for decades. Their partners are probably objectifying them right now!

I know my wife thinks I should wear shorter-shorts, and the fact I’d be mocked in a certain circle if I did makes her laugh, because the fact that nonconformist old punks have so many rules is funny. But we can’t get into the age-old punk paradox here, so back to my wardrobe problem.

For some reason, the short-shorts talk went on and on at the bowl for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. I began to tune it out and skate, but then I heard Suddy talking about some little tennis shorts he’d put on and worn around the house, eliciting double takes from his family. And then he went out and mowed the lawn in them. Was I hearing correctly?

“You know, there’s a really thin line between irony and sincerity,” I said. I believe Suddy is ready for some short-shorts, and he was preparing us by talking about them.

If so, he should hurry. Fall will be here soon, and we’ll be covering our legs and the rest of our bodies in fleece, polyester and nylon. 

In the meantime, I say wear whatever shorts fit you. I know I am.